Life with Boyz

S has a whole string of new jokes lately:

ooo

Q:  What's warm and smells like bananas?

A:  Monkey barf.

ooo

Q:  What's invisible and smells like worms?

A:  Bird farts.

ooo

Ba dum daaaaa!

Are you just happy to see me or is that a pistol? (Bang!)

B is away, so S and I decided to have a movie night and watch something for "big kids".  He chose a James Bond film.  We were in the middle of the movie and James is seducing some sinuous Bond girl.  They've fallen into bed and are exchanging whole string of cheesy seduction lines when suddenly S groans and says:  "Come on!  I want to see some action!"

It took me a couple of excruciating seconds to realize that he was referring to gunfire and car chases.

The last thing he said before being bludgeoned.

S and I were relaxing in the sun during lunch this afternoon.

"Mom,  I think that later I'm going to get a pig as a pet."

"Not while you're living under my roof you won't."

"OK, so I'll do it when I'm a grown-up then."

"And what do you plan to do about the pig poop?  We've got a dog and a cat right now and you never clean up any of their poop."

"I'll have a wife!"

!!!!????  "What?!  No you won't if you keep up that attitude!  Women don't like it when you say things like that!"


"OK.  But then how did Daddy get YOU to do it?"

That's all, Folks!

A friend of B's called to invite him to come along to Berlin over spring break.  When the father got on the phone, I thanked him but said that I'd be coming in B's place and would just leave him here at home alone.  with a can opener.

*crickets*

When I related the uncomfortable silence to B later he rolled his eyes and said:  "Mo-hoooom!  Germans don't get Looney Tunes references!"

Well, at least I crack *myself* up!

Braaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnnnssssssss!

A couple of days ago S told me an lame joke in German about a zombie who starved to death in a roomful of blondes.

"Umm, S?  You do realize that you're blonde too, right?"

"Yeah, but I said:  "Blondine".  That's a blonde WOMAN."

"Hmm.  OK, so what do you call a blonde man?"

He gives me an impish smile, wiggles his eyebrows and says:  "Good lookin'!"

I think we've had enough, thanks.

Another day another trip to the local surgeon. *sigh* This time it was for B who injured his shoulder during PE. If all goes well he can stay at home and rest and I won't need to go back until M's follow-up appointment on Thursday. :-P

We should be getting frequent flyer miles...

Right after it happened.
It swelled up a lot worse over
the next few days.

I tell you, between the kids and M we're keeping the local medical system in business.  I was just about to post a picture of M's fingers.  He blocked a kick wrong at Taekwondo last week and badly sprained his fingers.  Might have also broken the tip of one of them but x-rays were inconclusive.

Before I had time to write about that particular adventure, however, M arrived home from TKD and asked me to drive him to the emergency room.  Looks like he's torn a muscle in his calf.  They bandaged him, gave him a pair of crutches and asked him to visit the local surgeon tomorrow.  again.    Dr. D is a local legend and a workaholic.  I'm beginning to suspect that he sees us more often lately than he does his own family...  :-P

At least the mega-dose anti-inflammatory meds he's now taking for his calf will help his hand as well-- he's nothing if not efficient!

Jacket nazis

S is growing fast and will be needing a new winter jacket soon.  The other day he mentioned that he likes multicolored snowboarding jackets and that he'd like something bright and colorful.  This is the first time he's ever mentioned any preference regarding clothes, so on Monday his Oma and I went with him to the mall so that he could pick out a jacket.

We were browsing the outerwear section when he found it:  a really cute jacket with bright, cheerful red, white and blue blocks.  He tried it on and his eyes sparkled as he admired himself in the mirror.  He had found his holy grail.  On the way back to the car he had a spring in his step and obviously felt very "cool"!  Oma winked at me and said:  there goes a great jacket with a very happy boy in it.  :-)

Yesterday S and B had a dentist appointment so I picked them up from school early.  S hopped into the car and dissolved into tears.  When I asked what was wrong he said that everyone had laughed at him because he had a "girls' jacket".  Apparently one of his classmatess said:  "Wow, S, nice jacket!" and when he said "Thanks" he rounded it out with:  "...for a girl!"  S walked around in a t-shirt for the rest of the day.  It's -10 degrees outside.

After the dentist I took him back to the mall where we returned the jacket.  He was so relieved and today he's wearing his old black jacket and is feeling safe and anonymous again.

I know we can't shelter our kids from this sort of situation, and that by knowing I've got his back he's stronger for it, but I just keep remembering his humiliation and his tears and it breaks my heart...

No. your "other" left shoulder

I was at the dermatologists today.  Spent enough time abusing my skin on the Florida beaches as a teenager that I'm ending up spending about quadruple that as an adult checking a plethora of suspicious looking blemishes for signs of things gone awry.

Anyway, the spot on my foot that I'd gone in to have checked was fine so I asked her to check a strange spot on my shoulder blade.  It's really freaking cold outside so I had about 45 different layers on, and instead of taking them off I just pulled up my sweater and bared my shoulder blade.  She said she couldn't see anything suspicious and I was so relieved!  ...until about 2 hours later when I realized that I'd showed her the wrong. damned. shoulder.  UGH.

I've been watching this spot for months now, but it's always been in the mirror, and I was visualizing the mirror image when I was talking to her!

Have I ever mentioned here that I have absolutely NO SPATIAL VISUALISATION ABILITY whatsoever?!  GAH!

They're sexy and they know it.***

**My apologies in advance for my hyena imitation in the background.  I had no idea they were preparing this until they suddenly whipped off their shirts...  (gotta love the part about them having "passion in their pants". Am literally LMFAO!)

So sorry I missed that!

S:  Mom!  You would not have BELIEVED how hard it was snowing out on the mountain when we were skiing yesterday!  The wind blew the snow straight into my nose holes!

2 kilos worth of "interesting"

B came home from school, pulled two fistfuls of change out of his pockets and tossed them on the table.

Umm thanks?  What the heck is that?

It's your change from the field trip.  3 Euros and 20 cents!

Your teacher gave you 3 Euros and 20 cents in 5 and 10 cent pieces???

No!  Ha!  He gave it to me in 3 coins which I kept feeding into the soda machine in the lobby until it gave me all this change!

B?!  Why on earth did you do that?

I don't know-- I like to keep things interesting!

Gulag lingerie

We haven't done kids cooking night in a while, B!  What would you like to cook?

I don't know.  Maybe a clear, thin soup!

*snort*  You mean like what they serve in prison?

No.  I want to cook a bra!  Like the one you always used to make!

???  Excuse me?

Oh.  I think I meant "broth".

Stinky New Year!

I suddenly realized yesterday that one of my offspring hadn't showered yet in 2012.  !!!??? 

End of 2011 Wrap-up

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost 3 months since my last post!  Crazy!

Well, since I last posted S has turned 12.  He's maturing so fast but will flip-flop back and forth.  One minute he'll be talking to me like an adult and the next he's desperate to sit on my lap.  It's sweet and wonderful and funny and completely tragic all at the same time!

Lately his two favorite things to do are rapping to the lyrics of his favorite songs and giving me shoulder massages.  Which can make for some pretty uncomfortable moments since I'm the only one of the both of us who realizes just how lewd those lyrics are!

Injury-wise we've ended 2011 with multiple bangs and more than a whimper.  B had to see an ophthalmologist after getting poked in the eye during PE and seeing everything colored wrong.  S had a nasty crash at a go-kart track and was pretty shaken up.  I was worried enough about a concussion that I spent an extra half-hour at the track with him afterwards just in case he passed out or threw-up.  Just before Christmas S got slammed into a cabinet during a somewhat rowdy game of tag at school, which led to a dramatically swollen ankle.  And then in the waning hours of the year he wiped out playing soccer and split open his elbow.  Oma came to the rescue (AGAIN) with her home-cut butterfly bandages, managed to close the wound and saved us another trip to the emergency room for stitches.

D the Wonderdog has injured her elbow again.  We've got her on a 10 week stint of anti-inflammatories, and our ancient cat had her own emergency run to the vet when she became very ill with Kitty strep.

In the end all's well that ends well, thank God and knock on wood!, but I'm kind of hoping that 2012 will be less "eventful" in the emergency department...

M is settling into his job.  The past 6 months have been one big learning curve, but he's finding his way and his German is improving by leaps and bounds.  Yesterday evening he had a meeting to hammer out some details because if all goes according to plan he'll soon be the division leader for Taekwando!

B is doing great in school-- it's amazing how quickly he's adapted to the new environment!  He's made a really nice group of friends and is blossoming. 

I'm busy with English lessons, volunteer work, sports and just being a mama extraordinaire.  ;-)  One of my resolutions for the coming year is to stop by here more often.  There are, thankfully, too many funny things going on around here to let them go unremarked...

Wishing you all a healthy and happy start to 2012!

Alles Gute zum zehnten Geburtstag!

When we decided to move to Germany back in 2006 a lot of people wished us luck and reminded us of the Germans' cold, standoffish reputation. And the Schwabians? They're apparently the worst of the bunch!

I am happy to report that this hasn't been our experience at all! We have been blessed with great friends and neighbors!

Last night the doorbell rang. It was one of our neighbors. She'd apparently found out that it's B's birthday today and she showed up with a homemade cake decorated with M&M's and sparklers!!!

Happy 10th birthday, big guy! May you have many more happy and healthy decades to explore the world and to make friends in new cultures!

Grampa and his *adoreable* grandkids

My poor dad is always the photographer and rarely ends up in any of the family snapshots. I was just sifting through some old photos and came across this series which made me laugh until tears came to my eyes. He finally has a chance to have his picture taken but no one else was in the mood to cooperate at that moment!

Mayberry R.F.D.

It was 9:30 and getting noisy in the restaurant, so we did what any responsible parents would do and sent our kids outside so that we could finish our half-liter beers.

B showed up about 10 minutes later, eyes wild and cheeks glowing. "I just saw a TEENAGER! And he lit a cigarette, but didn't SMOKE it and then threw it in the BUSHES!"

We agreed that this was completely scandalous and sent him back outside.

"There you go, that's life in the big city!" chuckled M. Someone made an Andy Griffith crack and we all giggled.

Suddenly the kids came bursting back in-- they were all shouting at once and gesticulating wildly. All I could hear was: TEENAGERS! BIKE! WINDOW! GLASS EVERYWHERE!

M and our friend went outside to investigate and came back a couple of minutes later. Apparently two boys had thrown their bikes through the window of the bus stop behind the restaurant and then disappeared.

The kids came storming back in-- "canwecallthepolice, canwecallthepolice, CAN WE CALL THE POLICE?!" M handed them his Blackberry and they dialed 110.

We were waiting outside when the police arrived. One of them swept up the piles of safety glass rubble while the other wrote down all the vital information.

"How tall were these teenagers?" S pointed to M. "About as tall as my dad." "OK. How were they built? Were they skinny or muscular or fat?" C pointed to M. "They were built about like S's dad." The police officer looked at M, who just smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

Once everything was written down, the officers thanked us, hopped into their car and pulled out. When they saw the kids waving then they drove off with flashing lights and blared their sirens. The kids were so excited they were about to split out of their skins!  It was a banner day for the Bloodhound Gang in H-town!  :-)

Makes me wonder what's next...

A sweet, but somewhat bizarre neighbor keeps trying to make contact with me. She doesn't speak any German (or English) but often hangs out of her window when I drive up and shouts: "Heh! HEH!" One day she came out bearing a plateful of dates, another time it was a ring with a pink plastic gem. Today she flagged me down and handed me a bowl of soup. It was right around lunchtime, so I smiled and thanked her. When I got upstairs I took a big gulp and discovered that it was spoiled. (???)

Moscow trip in pictures

M and I spent the weekend in Moscow visiting all our old haunts and taking a major trip down memory lane.

I haven't been back since 1996 and the city has changed enormously since then. Amazing how much friendlier and more global the city has become! People are dressed so nicely now and you even see a lot of them smiling, which was great but also a little bizarre! There are chain stores everywhere and although I did end up grabbing a sub at subway on the way to the airport I found it a bit depressing to see Dunkin' Donuts and Wendy's and TGI Fridays there.

Was amazed at how much Russian I can remember. I've been working on it pretty diligently for about 6 months now, but haven't been able to get anything out of my mouth on the few occasions that I've tried to practice with acquaintances. And then when I got to the border the agent asked me in Russian: "Do you speak Russian?" I answered "Da" and realized that it was true! It was fantastic!

Had a great time, really enjoyed being back, but this trip just made me realize even more that I'm not a big city person and that I'm so happy to have ended up here in this lovely, clean, green small town in Germany!