Heaven help us!

M and I were out on our balcony this morning enjoying the sunshine when suddenly we heard a giggle from the balcony next door. And then another. I shuddered-- this one small sound and the person it emanated from represent a HUGE cultural barrier for me, one that I don't know how I'm ever going to bridge.

Our neighbors' daughter is 16, and has a boyfriend who spends the night often. They spend weekend mornings in bed and intermittently lounging around on her balcony, smoking cigarettes while she squeals and giggles. This has been going on since we moved here, when she had only just turned 14. (!!) The faces have changed over time, but my irritation hasn't: in the culture in which I grew up it was just not acceptable to have your boyfriends stay the night at that age!

She's got her whole life ahead of her to hang out on the porch and smoke cigarettes like an old married couple! Shouldn't she be out hanging out with friends, playing sports or doing something, ANYTHING other than spending the morning in bed with a boy who doesn't even look like he's old enough to know which end of the razor to use?

M maintains that I'm hopelessly naive. In his well-reasoned, logical way, he argues that if they're going to be "doing it" anyway, it might as well be under the supervision of the parents, so to speak. But I cannot accept that-- should we as parents just jump right in and enable this kind of behavior? Sex, while natural and, of course, fun, comes with enormous responsibilities. The consequences of teenage pregnancy and STD's are staggering, and not something to be taken lightly.

I am very open with my kids. We talked about anatomy when they were in nursery school, and over the past year I've had numerous discussions with them not only about their own bodies, but also about reproduction. I've even cleared up a couple of bizarre myths they'd heard from their peers. I don't picture myself as a puritan, so it bothers me that my neighbor's behavior bothers me so much.

I do hope, though, that by being open and talking about my views early and often, that I might be able to influence S and B's ideas a little bit. At least until their hormones kick in full force-- please tell me that that won't be when they're 13 or 14!?

M thinks I'm hopelessly naive. He says that the culture here and in Holland is different, and that S and B will be influenced by it. By the time they reach puberty they'll be more influenced by their peers' views than by ours. And that because everyone is more open about sexuality that the rates of teen pregnancy are a fraction of what they are in the US.

I can understand his point of view, but it still doesn't totally win me over. I'm thinking this is one precariously rickety bridge between the two cultures that I'm going to need to navigate, and I'm not looking forward to it.

I'd be interested to hear your opinions / experiences on this topic...

Lemonade anyone?

Carol over at Northwest Ladybug made my morning last weekend by presenting me with a Lemonade Award, which recognizes blogs that "show a positive attitude and/or gratitude in their posting."

Carol and I go way back (at least in virtual blogging terms! ;-) ) and I was not only flattered to receive an award from her, but just happy that she's even visiting me at all seeing as how sparse my posts have become lately!

I may not be writing as often, but I'm busy and happy and am still lurking in the background on many of your blogs. (Just when you thought it was safe...)

I'd like to pass this award on to some of the bloggers who bring a smile to my face on a regular basis:

• Anno, whose poetry and kind comments are always a bright spot in my day
• Jen, who inspires me with her open, friendly nature and makes my mouth water with her recipes and farmers' market postings
• Brit, an all-around beautiful person. I'm so glad our friendship has branched out from the real world into the virtual one!
• Mausi, who may not be feeling all that positive lately, but who still manages to make me laugh and is a treasure trove of information about life in Germany. (I'm sure she'll add a witty twist to these lemons-- Just you watch!)
  
• Laurie, whose positive attitude and shared admiration for Flannery O'Connor have kept me revisiting her blog since the stone ages (or at least since 2005!)

Sometimes the chain-letter aspect of these Internet awards bothers me, so I'd like to make the following list of rules optional for those of you who would like to pass the award on...
1) Put the logo on your blog or post.
2) Nominate some blogs that show great attitude or gratitude, (i.e. turn lemons into lemonade)
3) Link to your nominees within your post.
4) Let the nominees know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5) Share the love and link to the person from who you received your award.

Negative space

Even as a child I was fascinated by negative space, whether it was the aesthetic patterns created by overlapping branches or the optical illusions found within the pages of my puzzle books.

Lately I've been following a guided meditation by Jack Kornfield, which provides guidelines for cultivating an expansive mind. If you get right down to it, all sounds, thoughts, emotions and even images arise and then disappear without a trace. If you close your eyes and clear your mind, it becomes increasingly easy to sense the point at which a sound or thought begins and ends, and the vast, empty space that surrounds it. It is possible to relax into this space, and Kornfield maintains that it can even become so familiar that it will eventually feel like "home".

This has been a revelation for me because I've been thinking a lot about mortality lately. Despite 2 powerful chemo blasts, Michiel's cousin is losing his battle against cancer. And then over the past couple of weeks I've been reconnecting with a favorite teacher from UF and have been saddened to hear that her husband is dying of a brain tumor. And then of course, there's my volunteer work at the nursing home, which, however rewarding, is still a constant reminder of the precarious nature of this mortal coil.

The compassion I feel for these people is powerful and at some moments overwhelming, and yet there is peace and clarity to be found in the space between these emotions.

Lately I find myself focusing less on what I cannot do, and more on what I can. I cannot cure cancer but I can lend a sympathetic ear to a distraught mother. I cannot heal my beloved dog's limp but I can hike with her in the fresh air and ensure that she enjoys her time between bouts of stiffness. I can do nothing about dementia, but I can take the time to feed a patient his entire lunch and leave him with a full belly. I cannot provide any guarantees for the future, but I can make sure I cherish the present.

I am slowly learning to inhabit negative space and this is having a profound positive effect on my life...

This is so cool!!!

OK, I'm feeling like a complete dweeb because I can't figure out if this is a prank or not, but it's totally amazing no matter what!

*Video clip thanks to Today's Big Thing.

The Sliding House

Schmutzie is a veritable treasure trove for interesting links. She embedded this video into a recent post and I watched it in complete awe. Need a diversion? Check this out!

The people in your neighborhood

M and I were in our local pharmacy earlier this week picking up cream for his leg. The pharmacist completed the transaction and handed me two packages of gummy bears for S and B, who were in school at the time. I hadn't mentioned them at all, but she just recognized me-- I turned to M and smiled triumphantly and he just started laughing.

I love the sense of community here-- the cafe-owner's son delivers our newspapers; I buy eggs from a woman I know through the kindergarten. When I walk past the local hair salon I always get a wave, and this morning when I got to the dentist's office for a checkup I was greeted with a hearty: "Hello Ms. V! They're all ready for you in room 1!"

All morning long I've had that old Sesame Street song "Who are the people in your neighborhood" stuck in my head. But back in the days when this song (with all its variations) was hip I was an inhabitant of anonymous suburban sprawl. The only person I really remember knowing was our 7 year old neighbor with whom I used to giggle at the sight of my dad's underwear drying on the clothesline.

Now that I am older and actually live in a small town I really appreciate the interconnectedness that is such a part of life here. We have met so many people through school and sports and just life in general-- that interconnectedness fascinates me!

Somehow I can't picture Bob McGrath singing in German about die Menschen in unserer Nachbarschaft, but I think it's only now that I can finally really identify with this song!

THE TEEEEEEEEEETH!

I've been volunteering a couple of days a week at a local nursing home. If the weather is nice I bundle the patients up and take them out for some fresh air, navigating around potholes and trying not to launch them out of their wheelchairs whenever we bump over curbs or cobblestones.

If the weather is crappy I read out loud. Since my audience shows very little reaction I get the feeling that the material is irrelevant. I could be reading the manual for a blender-- they just like the sound of my voice and maybe even my silly accent.

At lunchtime I cut up food for the ones that can handle a fork and help feed the ones that can't.

I'm thoroughly enjoying this "job"-- the nurses are harried and really appreciate the extra pair of hands, and it's nice to be able to take the extra time needed to feed someone who eats slowly and might otherwise not get to eat a full meal due to time constraints.

It has surprised me that I haven't found the atmosphere depressing. The staff is warm and caring, and although the patients are elderly and unable to take care of themselves, they are safe and fed and have the company of their peers. (I've read that elderly people who live alone are more prone to depression, malnutrition and injuries due to falls.)

Probably another part to this is that I've only just gotten to know these people at this stage at the end of their lives. (A natural stage that we will all probably reach sooner or later-- it is good to be reminded of this on a regular basis.) It would probably be different if I'd been witness to their deterioration.

In any case, the staff sets a good example by reminding me that these people have good days and bad days just like the rest of us. And once one gets over the initial shock of spending time with people suffering from dementia, one realizes that there is often humor to be found in everyday situations.

Yesterday at lunch I sat down next to Herr M. Since he's half-deaf he tends to shout and sounds exactly like Homer Simpson's dad, but then in German. Suddenly he grabbed my arm and started bellowing: "The-the-the-the-the-the-THE TEETH!!!" and thrust his dentures out of his mouth with his tongue. I had just enough time to grab a bib before he spit them out into my hand.

OK. What now? Then he started shouting again: "The-the-the-the-THE TEEEEEEEETH!"

"Herr M? Shall I put them back in"

"Yeeeeesss! PUT THEM BACK IN!"

So I popped them back in. And he started up again: "The-the-the-the-THE TEEEEEEEETH!" and spit them back out into my bib-covered hand again.

"PUT THEM BACK IN! THE TEEEEEEEEEETH!"

OK, here you go. Here are your teeth. And I popped them back into his mouth again.

"The-the-the-the-THE TEEEEEEEETH!"

I looked at an intern with raised eyebrows and she started giggling.

We went through about four more rounds of this and I felt like I was trapped in a Monty Python skit. Finally a doctor came over and smiled at me-- "No idea what's going on with him. Maybe he needs some denture cream?" And he wheeled Herr M back down the hall trailed by a noisy mantra:

THE TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETH!

*Image thanks to Britannica.com

Well what do you know!?

I actually found that video of me that Goofball and Mrs. G were requesting!

Character-building exercise

This afternoon the school had a screening of Madagascar 2 that the boys and I have really been looking forward to. Since we were late leaving the house the boys rode their bikes and I took their Razor scooter. I was just closing the garage door when S said: "Mom! Don't forget to wear a helmet!"

Inwardly I groaned. Very few children here wear helmets and adults never do. I keep telling the kids how silly this is and reminding them how important it is to be safe and not to follow the crowd just because they say something is "uncool".

I was thinking about how ridiculous I would look, and cringing at the thought of helmet head when suddenly I realized: How can I demand that S and B buck the trend if I'm not willing to do it myself?

So I strapped on a helmet and we rode into town and back and I ignored the stares and snickers of the people we passed on the way. Because S has to deal with this on a weekly basis, and if he can be brave enough to do the right thing then I should be as well...

Bumpity bump bump!

M was in the kitchen cooking pancakes on Saturday morning when he suddenly said: "Hey! My leg hurts!" He pulled up his pants leg and revealed a small lump. We shrugged it off and continued making breakfast. Within a half an hour, however, that lump had grown exponentially, and hurt enough that M had trouble walking!

He hadn't bumped his shins and didn't remember blocking any noteworthy kicks at Taekwando the evening before. He has a cousin who was diagnosed with a blood clot in her brain just the day before and his family history isn't stellar, so this was worrying, to say the least.

A visit to an after-hours clinic was inconclusive- the doctor suspected that it was a hematoma but recommended that M get his circulatory system checked out asap just to rule out anything more sinister.

M cancelled a business trip to Geneva and we spent a surprisingly pleasant morning hanging out together in the waiting room at the doctor's office. She did a complete ultrasound on all the arteries in his leg and confirmed the conclusion: a simple hematoma with an otherwise clean bill of health. Perhaps he injured it at Taekwando and the vein suddenly burst Saturday morning? We'll never know, but I am so relieved and thankful to know that he's OK!

Real BeijingeRs

I really enjoyed this taste of Chinese Rap. (*Note: It wasn't what I was expecting!)



And I enjoyed it even more when I got to read the translation of the lyrics posted at the Language Log. (It was also nice to see the proof that I really had heard him say "Pay Attention!".)

For breakfast I had a slice of culture with my tea and I really liked it!

Diversions

My wireless is back up! (*happy dance*) And thank God, because there were all kinds of interesting things going on on the Internet while I was gone! Procrastinating something? I've got some great diversions lined up for you today!

1. As usual Jennifer says exactly what I've been thinking, but then so much better!
2. I can never get enough of Anno-- really, if both of us weren't already married I'd probably be hanging around her garden gate with a fistful of handpicked daisies. This poem radiates such contentment and sweetness that it should probably be cross-stitched and hung up in someone's kitchen.
3. I really enjoyed watching this trailer.
4. Got any children's birthdays coming up? Because I've got the perfect gift idea for you!!!
   
5. This recipe made my mouth water!
6. I got my ticket to see the Dalai Lama in Frankfurt this summer!
7. In the past few days I've gotten sucked into the black hole that is Facebook. On the one hand it's completely fascinating, on the other, I don't think I need this kind of distraction in my life! All of a sudden my inbox is filling up with friendship requests from people from all different phases of my life! Some of these requests are thrilling and welcome, but others are from people I never knew very well. I'd like to just keep my "friends" list small-- focus on quality rather than quantity, but get the feeling that Facebook is generally a numbers game and that this is just not "done". I feel guilty about ignoring some of these requests-- am interested: what is your protocol as to who you befriend and whose requests you pass up?

We are not amused.

In an attempt to clear up our nonstop Internet problems I'm about to disconnect our router and send it in for a replacement. This means I'll be offline for the next few days. (Although it should be technically possible to surf using a land cable we haven't been able to get it to work for some reason...)

Hope to be back up and running again soon.

Fasching Icon

It's Fasching time again here in Germany and bizarro costumes are popping up left and right in the grocery stores.

Believe it or not, I passed up this once-in-a-lifetime costume opportunity. And it turned out to be a good thing, because I returned home from the salon yesterday with my own built-in costume. I don't know if she was harboring a secret grudge or what, but the stylist convinced me to let her color my eyebrows. I'm always up for trying out something new, so I figured "why not?"

I'll tell you why not: because it looks absurd. That's why not.

I got back to my chair and looked in the mirror, and was rendered speechless. I look like Elizabeth Taylor. But not in her glamorous years-- no, this look recalls the days when she was courting husband #7 and drinking cooking sherry straight out of the bottle.

I might have been better off with the Negro costume...

*Photo thanks to People.com

At least I wasn't stark naked!

Since this anthrax has been lingering on for so long I spent the weekend considering the merits of a blood test. I was feeling incrementally better, but figured it might not be bad to rule out anemia or something else that could possibly be dragging me down. Eventually decided against it-- the validation of hearing that, yes, I'm still sick, wouldn't be worth the exposure I'd get to 10 other sick people in the doctor's waiting room.

Monday morning came and when the kids left for school I took the dog out for a short walk. After about 250 meters my legs started feeling rubbery and my head started spinning. And I got angry! Stormed home, sent the dog into the house, hopped into the car and drove straight to the doctor's office. Checked in and went and sat in the waiting room, all the while seething with indignation and dizziness.

Let me tell you something about German doctors' waiting rooms: they're cold. They keep the windows open, probably assuming that the air circulation will help cut down on the germs pirouetting through the air. So I was sitting there for about 45 minutes with my jacket on, brooding, when suddenly I realized:

Underneath my jacket? I'm. still. wearing. my. pajamas.

!!!!

Yes, people, I actually went into town wearing baggy sweatpants, a tattered Band Aid T-shirt, and no bra. I hadn't brushed my teeth or my hair. Wasn't even sure if I'd gotten all the mascara off of my eyes the evening before-- for all I knew I was sporting the raccoon-look on top of everything else.

Welcome to my nightmare...

ewww!!!!

Have spent a lot of time stumbling around the Internet this week and have run across a lot of really interesting websites! (And a lot of junk as well, of course!)

This page is as horrifying as it is fascinating! We couldn't get enough of it, even though it totally made my skin crawl! (WARNING: Not for the faint of heart!)

In sickness and in health (2)

We have been together for more than 15 years now, yet on any given day I can easily come up with a dozen reasons why M is the best thing since sliced bread.

Yesterday morning I was having a good wallow in a steaming tar-black puddle of self pity. After letting me cry mascara and probably a bit of snot on his shirt, M coaxed me out of my bed and got me out of the house for some fresh air and more importantly, a fresh perspective.

Then he walked the dog, cleaned up the kitchen and fielded the kids. And later on that afternoon he bought me a present. Diamonds don't do a thing for me, but this? This to me says "forever"! ;-) (No more whiny posts about dog hair!)

Carol, who broke her ankle earlier this month, wrote a beautiful post about the new appreciation she's found for her marriage during hard times. Luckily I'm nowhere near as compromised as she is right now, but have just been reminded by M's daily kindness and support of how thankful I am for our marriage and the fact that we found each other so many years ago...

Good friends and baby steps

A friend came over today, ignored the mess and the doghair on my floors and served me lunch! After she left I stretched out on the couch and relaxed. What a treat!

Am feeling incrementally better each day. Still can't let the dog out without feeling like I'm might pass out, but at least I've been sitting upright for a majority of the day! That's already a major improvement!

**photo courtesy of clipmarks.com

Correlation between low self-esteem and materialism

I found this article fascinating, even if a lot of it is just plain common sense.

Quote of the week:

“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments.”

There's plenty of materialism here as well, though. I don't think that European families would necessarily be any slower to jump on the elephant trend if they could. But rather than weekly payments they'd just by it Aldi.

(near) deathbed epiphany

Believe it or not I'm still sick. And I'm sick of being sick. The flu hit me pretty hard about three weeks ago, then simmered on the back burner for two weeks, and then reared its ugly head again. I'm wiped out! Saw a doctor, and he confirmed what I'd already suspected: it's probably a virus and the only thing to do now is rest and wait. and maybe grumble a little.

Yesterday I was writing a (somewhat whiney) email to a friend and bemoaning the fact that I need to get back to health if only just to be able to cook again. M has done a great job in the evenings of taking over the kids and the housework, but he has been feeding us toast and pizza and all sorts of ready-made "food" from the supermarket.

The funny thing is, he is able to cook, just has no interest in making anything other than pancakes and the occasional extravagant Dutch meatball when he starts feeling carnivorous.

The other thing that's been wearing me out over the past couple of weeks are lunches. The kids are growing and eating nonstop, which means that lunch turns into a marathon of me running back and forth to the kitchen and acting as a short order cook. I'd never noticed it before, but I'm even toasting their bread for them, which is ridiculous!

And suddenly it dawned on me: over the years I've been pushing M and the kids out of the kitchen. I love to cook, and have staked this territory out as my own. They have become completely dependent on me for their sustenance, and I am doing them (and myself) a disservice!

As of today there are new rules around here at Chez V. I'll provide one warm dish for S and B when they get home from school. If they are still hungry after that they're welcome to eat all the fruit, cereal, cheese, toast and plain yoghurt they want, but they must prepare it themselves. And once a week on Wednesdays the boys will help me plan and make dinner. After all, cooking isn't all that hard, it's just a matter of practice.

Thanks to a good spin-job S and B see this new turn of events as a sign that they're maturing and they're excited about their new responsibilities. (for now.) And I'm feeling relieved and am glad I finally wised up and can pass on some new important skills...

I may have been feeling crappy lately, but there is a silver lining to this puss-colored cloud: my near-deathbed epiphany. Now if I can just finally beat this virus so that I can join the land of the living again-- then we'll be golden!